[140+ Jokes Funny Quotes] Best Funny One Liner Jokes

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How to sleep faster: Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.

Dear parents, we know money doesn’t grow on trees, that’s why we are asking you for it.

I’m not stalker. I am an unpaid private investigator.

I have a date tonight, with my bed. We are totally gonna sleep together.

Instead of single as a marital status, it should read independently, owned and operated :)

Congratulations … You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea. It does not enhance your performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft. Lolz

Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

Death is God’s way of saying you are fired. Suicide is humans way of saying, I quit.

My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. Lolz

There are only two kinds of people in this world: Doctors and Patients :)

Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It’s sufficient for me but how will you survive?

I don’t always lose my phone but when I do its always on silent :)

We love Facebook but we hate the face of book.

Dear math, Im not therapist so solve your own problems.

Today’s Joke! A Girl said …….. TRUST ME :)

The 3 fastest means of communication: telephone, television and tell a woman.

I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I’m a robot.

You wanna see a perfect relationship? Watch a movie. Lolz

Men are like buses. One comes every 15 minutes.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

My wifi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill. How irresponsible people are.

Insert coin to view my status messages.

Did anyone ever notice that “STUDYING” is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?

Perfect boyfriend : Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also Does not exist :P

Facebook is the second most popular word that starts with ‘F’ and ends with ‘K’ :)

You dont realise how many clothes you have, until you wash them.

Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones to make.

You have lot of curves and I have no brakes ;)

I haven’t slept for ten days, bcoz that would be too long.

Bitch also stands for beautiful, intelligent, talented and charming human being.

Why do U think I SMS You? Is it because I care? Or I miss You? Or I love You? Or I need You? No ! It’s because I need a person for just time pass. :)

If at first you don’t succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!

I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking.

I don’t understand how Super Mario can smash blocks with his head but dies when he touches a turtle.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Taking revenge is wrong… very very wrong… But very very fun…

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It’s not fair that some men should be happier than others.

A hot secretary came angrily out Of boss cabin. Her colleague asked: What Happened? You went inside in a happy mood. She replied: He asked me are you free tonight? I said absolutely free. That bastard gave me 45 pages to type!

They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?

Hey, you have eyes, I have eyes, we have a lot in common!

Men are like parking spaces; The good ones are taken, and the only ones left are handicapped.

You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

I promised my friends that I wouldn’t date bad girls anymore.

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.

Save a horse, ride a cowboy.

Please help the homeless. Take me home with you.

My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.

Insert coin to view my status message.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.

It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. :)

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

I want you to have a candle-lit dinner and say those magical three words to you ………… “Pay The bill”

My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Excuse me, if I go straight this way, will I be able to reach your heart?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

If Facebook is like dating, then Twitter is like a one night stand – it’s fun while you’re doing it, you finish in like 5 minutes, and you feel real cheap afterwards.

Lary is wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can’t they invent a self cleaning house?

If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?

Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.

Good friends will bail you out of jail. Best friends will be sitting in the cell with you, laughing about how awesome that just was.

I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice.

Facebook, because time isn’t going to kill itself.

Just finished deleting some friends on Facebook, if you can read this then you got lucky.

Stealing other people’s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.

I never get mad when i see my ex with someone else because i was always taught to recycle my old trash.

I had my DNA analyzed. It came back with four main components. Bacon, Chocolate, Coffee & Crazy.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

When someone adds me as a friend on Facebook, the first thing I do is go through all their pictures.

Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots..

Bad decisions make good stories. No wonder people find me so entertaining..

If there is no chocolate in heaven…”I AM NOT GOING”.

Dear smartphones, why can`t you charge yourself? Sincerely, you`re not so smart after all.

If you want to commit suicide, you should jump down from your ego to your IQ.

It used to be, “Can I have your number”? Now it’s, Do you have Facebook..

just found out that if you hold Ctrl and w for 10 seconds it turns your Facebook page from Blue to Red

I think all woman can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account

Tired of everyone talking about their feelings on Facebook lol..

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet…

If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.

Finally found out that the plant I’ve been watering isn’t real…

One of my mom’s rules growing up was never to write on walls, well apparently Facebook doesn’t have that rule.

Ah, Facebook, where it is socially acceptable to talk to a wall…

If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..

Laziness is my middle name.

Dear Ceiling Fan, If you could hold my weight, i would never be bored again. Sincerely, Bored.

Between Facebook texting, tweeting and email, I haven’t spoken a word in the last 3 years.

Men are like BLUETOOTH connection, when UR beside them they stay connected but when you are away they search for new devices.

When you really want to slap someone, do it and say “mosquito.”

Your time, energy and love is precious make sure that it is not wasted and preciously invested when dating.

It’s just Facebook, I wish people would keep it real and stop frontin.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, i am afraid of widths.

You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.

Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

I wish I could google “things to eat in my “fridge” so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.

If people have a problem with u, always remember, it is THEIR problem..

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes..

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Vote Up Vote Down My Facebook wall is broken.

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Why can’t shampoo and conditioner run out at the same time?

It`s too late to apologize. The damage is done.

you`re sorry ? that`s cool. go write a book about it and let someone who actually cares read it.

Why does paper beat rock? if you hold a paper in front of your face and i throw a rock at it who wins?

If bar tenders aren’t allowed to sell alcohol to drunk people, then McDonald’s shouldn’t be allowed to sell food to fat people.

My friend has just updated his status saying. Is balancing on the edge of a cliff.. So i poked him.

I’m the kind of person who bumps into inanimate objects, says, Oops, I’m sorry. And doesn’t stop to ask himself why he’s talking to a wall.

Next time someone presses the elevator button you’ve already pressed, act totally impressed and tell them they did it waaaay better than you..

thinks that facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “what’s your problem today?”

Women are like boats: they require constant maintenance and attention, and they cost a lot of money. Men are like buses: another one will eventually come along.

Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?

Beauty isn’t measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside ..So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

It’s raining, It’s pouring. Facebook is boring. I’m bored to death, I’m going to bed, hopefully we’ll meet in the morning!

Do you know why a previous relationship is called EX? It`s not the term for the past. EX is short for EXpired..

That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and you end up walking in the same direction.

Why do you talk so fast?” “Why do you listen so slow?”

I don`t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.

Life is hard normally, but its harder if you are Stupid.

Hey, I found your Nose, it was in my business again.

Never Say Neverrr, you just said it twice ?

Is your name Summer.? because you are as hot as hell.

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